Pardon my language...

I don't even know how to begin this. Trying not to be angry. Trying not to be frustrated. Trying not to cry. I want to stay as positive as I can because I know that that is the best thing for mom. But it's hard. I want to scream.

Dad talked to Dr. Acosta this afternoon and he is sure that mom has cancer. I thought I had prepared myself to hear that confirmation. I've been telling myself that since they found the mass - they really didn't give us much hope that it wasn't. But hearing it said like that is a whole different story.

I got to the hospital around noon and found dad in the hallway. He asked if I had heard from my brother JJ. I hadn't. "Is there something else? What's wrong?" Dad could barely tell me, but it turns out the hopeful results Mondo was given about the PET scan this morning were wrong. They discovered another mass near her trachea. Saying I feel like someone knocked the wind out of me is putting it as mildly as I can... but same effect, I can hardly breath. I feel sick.

This news changes the type of biopsy they had initially planned. Instead of a fine needle they will have to do a surgical biopsy. They will take a sample from the new mass and if it is positive for cancer, it's... well it will be very sad news. If the cancer is contained within the lungs, there is a posibility of surgery to remove it and and of "curing" it. If the cancer has spread to the lymphatic system or any other organ, then mom will no longer be a candidate for surgery.

The information we got was a bit more detailed than this, but I'm just not ready to go there. Things we've been told by one doctor or nurse has changed with the telling by a different doctor or nurse one too many times. This time they said the biopsy will be tomorrow. An OR had to be scheduled. Not sure when we'll get the results.

However, I will say this... FUCK CANCER! I want to scream it up and down all day long. I want to beat the hell out of it. Sorry if I offend, but not really.

(((deep breath))) In an effort to end on a brighter note, mom's day was pretty good again. Although she still cannot speak, I think she... we, are communicating better all the time. She still gets frustrated at times, but there are also many times when she is able to let us know what she needs and wants. Her sense of humor is amazing too! She was sitting in a chair, looking at my dad and just started laughing - "hahahahaha". I look over, and my dad (who was laying on the couch) is rolling off in slow motion. She was laughing so hard at him falling on the floor! And when I walked in, I asked her if she missed me and she scrunched her nose and nodded her head NO! and then laughed!

She also had another "swallow" test today, and while she didn't pass with flying colors, they put her on a limited puree diet. She just now finished her first meal since she's been here and she seemed to really like it. She even fed herself when I put the food onto the spoon for her and held her cup to take a drink. It was awesome. Her stomach was hurting earlier today and I hope the food doesn't make it worse. She was really happy to get a real meal.

Mario and maybe Mondo are staying the night with dad. Darren really wanted to stay at our home tonight, and I promised him he could - but I think my intention was just to pick him up in the morning and take him to school. I guess my plan has changed and I will go home tonight. I don't want to leave, but I can use a good night's sleep and tomorrow we will try to visit a couple of rehabilitation centers.

Not sure how to end this either, except to say I am still hopeful. Please continue to pray.

xox,
Tommy